I can’t say that I’m not lost and at fault

I joined match.com a few weeks ago, mostly because I sit alone in this goddamned apartment all day and therefore never meet anyone, and also because I haven’t gotten laid in three months and am climbing the walls. (And really, I know I should just go on gay.com and find someone to fuck, but some weird, fucked up part of my psyche won’t let me do it just yet. Like I feel the need to prove to myself that someone would actually want to date me.)

So I was perusing match.com one night and stumbled across the profile of a guy whom I found really, really attractive – so attractive that, on an impulse, I actually paid the money to create an account so I could email him. With a bottle of wine by my side, I drafted a profile that I thought was honest yet funny and guaranteed to win his hot-boy love.

He never replied, of course (and really, color me shocked), so I decided to poke around and see if there were any other guys online I found attractive. And there were a few, and I emailed some of them and then, learning the match.com protocol, winked at others. (Ugh, it’s all so gay, isn’t it? And not in the good sense of the word.)

Along the way, I received some emails and some winks as well, but never from anyone whom I was interested in. It’s like, well, thanks, 50 year-old daddy from New Jersey, but I’m going to pass. And same thing for you, 31 year-old whose entire profile is filled with New Age bullshit. Or you, 30 year-old who is straight-acting, doesn’t have gay friends, and can’t stand femme guys at all. Take your gender issues and your internalized homophobia and keep moving.

That brings me to another point, actually. You cannot believe – cannot FATHOM – how many of the gay guys on match.com say that they want to have kids someday, and then go on to specify how many they want to have. What the fuck is up with that?

I made sure to include two salient points in my profile: I drink regularly, and I don’t want children. I like them just as much as the next guy, I guess, but god knows I don’t want any.

This is probably why not one of the guys in whom I’ve indicated interest has responded.

I went out on my first match.com date on Friday night. It went surprisingly well, but I’m sort of conflicted anyway. I tend to overanalyze everything, and after a single date, I have this really fucked up habit of moving into “fuck or flight” mode, wherein I think I should sleep with them (if I didn’t already), marry them, or just ditch them altogether. It’s like it’s physically and mentally impossible for me to just date someone like a normal person.

Some shrink is going to make a lot of money off of me someday.